Honestly? No. Realistically speaking, the chances are slim and even in the most ideal world, having both a stable and healthy romantic relationship and a successful and noteworthy career is nearly impossible. So what exactly is the point of this question if the answer is not going to help?
The truth is, there is no one formula for happiness and success that applies to every woman. We cannot expect that there is one magical solution that will give all high-achieving women their dream of having both love and career. What we do know is that, there is an explanation for why women cannot have both, and there are suggestions that could help these women along the way.
Firstly, it starts from society’s long overdue gender inequality and the mindset that both genders carry within themselves.
Successful career women don’t believe that they can have it all and that they need to sacrifice one for the other. Society puts down women who work hard and deem them as bad moms and wives because they do not spend time with their children and husband. Businesses believe that women who “took a break” to have a child were never serious about their career and would never return as sufficient and effective. Female CEOs are not paid as much as male CEOs while facing all the challenges that men do in working long hours and withstanding the up-or-out pressures of high-altitude careers as well as their own challenges. Most men, in general, cannot bear to witness how successful his female partner can be, especially if she is making more money than him. Basically, society believes that the more successful a woman is, the less “happy” she will be.
Secondly, high-achieving women’s type A personalities make it hard to find a partner.
Sounds controversial right? Women expect a lot from a serious, long-term partner because they want someone who is on the same level and has similar values. Successful career women look for partners who understand the importance of their work and can sympathize with them while also being a high-achieving partner themselves. A power couple dynamic. However, “The hard fact is that most successful men are not interested in acquiring an ambitious peer as a partner. In the rarified upper reaches of high-altitude careers where the air is thin…men have a much easier time finding oxygen. They find oxygen in the form of younger, less driven women who will coddle their egos.” (Tamara Adler, 43, a former managing director of Deutsche Bank in London) According to the Harvard Business Review, only 39% of high-achieving men are married to women who are employed full time, and 40% of these spouses earn less than $35,000 a year. Meanwhile, nine out of ten married women in the high-achieving category have husbands who are employed full time or self-employed, and a quarter are married to men who earn more than $100,000 a year. Clearly, successful women professionals have slim pickings in the marriage department — particularly as they age. Professional men seeking to marry typically reach into a large pool of younger women, while professional women are limited to a shrinking pool of eligible peers.
Thirdly, time is the biggest constraint.
29% of high achievers and 34% of ultra-achievers work more than 50 hours a week, and a significant proportion of these women are on the job ten to 20 more hours a week than they were five years ago. Among ultra-achievers, a quarter are away on business at least five nights every three months. Think of what a 55-hour week means in terms of work-life balance. If you assume an hour lunch and a 45-minute round-trip commute (the national average), the workday stretches to almost 13 hours. Even without “extras” (out-of-town trips, client dinners, work functions), this kind of schedule makes it extremely difficult for any professional to maintain a relationship. Of course, long hours aren’t unique to women. They’re a fact of life in corporate America, where management is under intense pressure to use its professional workforce for as many hours a week as possible. The temptation for companies to take advantage of that provision might not have been so problematic back in 1938 when only 15% of employees were exempt, and most of them were men with stay-at-home spouses. But it produces significant overload today when close to 30% of employees are in the exempt category, many of them women who rarely have the luxury of a spouse at home tending to domestic responsibilities. (Harvard Business Review)
So far, the odds seem to be against women. Having said that, there have been success stories where high-achieving women found their happily-ever-after both in the workplace and in their home.
So what is their secret?
Careers are not built overnight, so once a woman has decided to devote herself to her career, it means that she has been building it ever since she was studying in school, starting her first job, etc. And it should be something similar when it comes to finding a partner. Once you have decided wealth, anatomy, and career is your path, look for someone who understands that you will be putting your work at the very top and who can be accepting and supportive of all your decisions. While it cannot be guaranteed that your partner will continue to back you up every step of the way, it can be a way to a good start to building a healthy relationship. At the same time, you should also learn what your partner looks for in the relationship. Love is about giving and receiving, you cannot ask someone to sacrifice everything for you and not do anything in return. Knowing each others’ expectations and goals from the beginning will create a more stable and sustainable relationship. If you feel that your partner cannot fulfill your needs and vice versa early on, it is best to walk away before things turn ugly. Wish each other the best and go find someone who is more suitable for you and your career.
>>> Read more: Mental Health and Wellbeing in the Workplace
Just like how you negotiate million-dollar deals in order to reach the best solution for both your company and your client, you should learn to compromise within your relationships as well. Not only with your partner, but with your family members, with your kids, your friends, and even yourself. While being busy is part of being a leader, there are many ways to balance work-life and new approaches as well as supporting technology to run business more productively and effectively. Being a high-achieving woman who devoted herself to her career does not mean that you have to sacrifice your love life or your family. Learning to compromise with yourself is the first step to successfully compromising with other people around you. Know when to walk out of your office to go back home and have some time for yourself. Know when to give yourself a day off to recharge and spend time with your family and friends. Moreover, you should always communicate your needs, your schedules, and your responsibilities with your partner in a marriage. Research found that women are much happier when they have both a career and a family.
Next, as women learn to compromise with themselves and their partners, they should also learn to walk away when relationships no longer work.
Divorce is not the end of the world. Successful career women never settle for below-standard goals for their company, thus, they should do the same with their happiness. While it is never the best solution, it should be the last resolve when it is affecting both your career and your love. Remember that being divorced does not make you a failure in love. It just means you make a wrong decision and as an executive, wrong decisions can be costly.
As the problem begins with a mindset, it should end with one too. Women have always been realistic and practical, which is why a lot of women would say no to the question of “Can women have both?”. Women don’t believe that they could “have it all” because they have been raised by society to not expect both. However, as more and more women are stepping up to show how it is done, from VP Kamala Harris to our beloved Shark Mrs. Thai Van Linh, they are proving to all the young girls and women out there still struggling to find their path that it is okay to allow yourself to have both a career you are proud of and a relationship that you deserve. Having it all does not mean that you will be robbed of your chance to be a mother or a wife. Once you truly believe it, you will finally be able to do it.
The upcoming generation is realizing more and more the importance of a work-life balance as well as gender equality in every aspect of life. While it still feels that women are having to sacrifice much more than men, this is a good start. Men and women today are more likely than the previous generation to share the same values about what it takes to make dual-career relationships work. Everybody, especially women, deserve their happily-ever-after without settling any less for both career and love.
The JobHopin Team
Bibliography:
Hewlett, Sylvia Ann. “Executive Women and the Myth of Having It All.” Harvard Business Review, 21 Aug. 2014, hbr.org/2002/04/executive-women-and-the-myth-of-having-it-all.
Human Resources, North America. “High-Powered Women and Supportive Spouses: Who’s in Charge, and of What?” Knowledge@Wharton, 7 Nov. 2012, knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/high-powered-women-and-supportive-spouses-whos-in-charge-and-of-what-2/.